Thursday, June 7, 2012

Letting go of being "Let go"

It's never easy to lose a job. Whether you're laid off, fired, "let go of", your position is eliminated... whatever they tell you- bottom line is you are out of a job.  Last week  that happened to me.

It's interesting the range of emotions you go thru during "the talk" and then hours, days, weeks afterward. I think I'll try to keep track of them here.

First, shock. Is this happening? This isn't happening. Did she just say what I think she said? Does that mean what I think it means? Fuck. Me. Sadness. Anger. Disbelief.

The position I was in was being turned into another postion- one higher than me. It was a promotion that I was not "ready" for.  Shuttled off to HR- where the rep didn't really say anything- except give me her business card if I had any questions. Brilliant.

I went back to my cube and began to pack all my belongings.  The co-workers in my surrounding area were apparently told they could go home early- so I had no one to talk to. I had A LOT of stuff in my cube- so I was putting things in boxes for about 2 hours when suddenly someone appeared at my doorway asking "What are you doing?"  I explained that I had just been let go. To see the shock and confusion on their face was gratifying.  Hearing them say it was fucked up and wrong was also soothing. Getting a hug was priceless.  I tried not to seem too bitter or too angry- though the tears flowed freely.  It's kind of like getting your identity stripped away from you- even if your identity was one that you weren't really happy about.  It takes some getting used to.

I finally made my way home and my girlfriend greeted me at the door with arms open and a big smile "Yay Universe!" she sang out.  "Yay Universe?" "Yes" she replied.  And I smiled.  In my heart I know she's right. It was a sign from the universe that it's time to move on.  Despite how shittily the Universe decided to give me that message- it was a message I needed to receive.

I waited a day before posting online of my unemployement. "I'm free as a bird! An unemployed bird, but free nonetheless!"  Condolences came pouring in- tweets, facebook messages, texts, emails.  All love from the universe. 

It's only been 6 days since "The Incident".   I'm trying to be patient with myself and the universe.  But I wish I _KNEW_ exactly what it is that I'm meant to do.  Put out my own artwork? Apply for another animation production job? Write? Learn to Edit? Just chill out and watch tons of TV? Catch up on stacks upon stacks of magazines and comic books? Click links via twitter posts? Make homemade pesto in my new food processor? Pay uber attention to all my cats until they get sick of me?

Hmm... I think the answer to the above is... yes.